The Redhead Paladin
by Centino Finito
Summary: When Major Monogram was sick, Carl read him the story of Excaliferb. Though an indisputable epic, the ending fell short of Monogram's expectations. Now, one morning before work, Carl tries out his own ending.


From the top of another hill, a figure appeared. A shaft of light pierced the clouds and shone off his auburn hair. All eyes, save for those of the tussling titans, turned to the new arrival. It was Carl, the Red-Headed Paladin from the Land of Internius. All ten thousand monsters drew back in unison, their eyes focusing on the sliver of metal that was the Paladin's sword. There was not a single one of them that had not felt the sting of that blade, which had been forged by mere mortals and yet had powers even beyond the sword Excaliferb. Sensing even from afar the presence of a master, the young adventurers kneeled in unison, with Ferbalot staring up enviously at the very symbol of everything he would never be.

The paladin turned, and his searing gaze focused on the epic battle between the evil wizard and the dragonpus. Carl ran down the hill, moving with all the speed and grace of a venomous snake. A cheer rose up among the army as he neared the beasts, and then all were silent. For just at that moment, as he topped a small rise, the redhead performed a great leap into the sky, rising higher than the highest dragon, until he seemed to be flying towards his target. Sensing the approaching power, Parable the Dragonpus took to the skies, widening the gap between himself and the evil Mallifishmirtz. The wizard did not see the silver bolt of virtue until it was too late.

Carl's sword sliced through the wizard's five monstrous necks, and the grotesque bouquet of heads evaporated in a cloud of foul purple smoke. The headless titan teetered for a moment, then fell to the ground. A moment later, the red-headed paladin landed on a small spire of rock, which became an island in the sea of roaring blood that gushed from Mallifishmirtz's bloody stump.

The band of adventurers ran to meet their hero. The paladin smiled and waved, obviously enjoying the awe and wonder of it all. While everyone cheered and the monsters migrated to the edges of the crater that was once Mount Doof, the water sprite Isabel saw something stirring in the corpse of Mallifishmirtz. She flew as fast as she could down to the young mage Phineas, and whispered the terrifying news in his ear. Phineas then elbowed his way to the front of the group, and shouted up at the paladin, "Carl! The monster isn't dead!"

The fearless warrior turned around, and everyone gasped in horror as ten new heads grew from Mallifishmirtz. One of the heads turned and grinned at the swordsman.

"Surprise! You can't stop me! The monster spell makes me impossible to defeat! But just in case..."

One of the other heads swung at Carl, knocking him off his perch and sending him rolling in the strange, cursed pool of blood around him. Everyone winced as the paladin's pained screams filled the air, and Ferbalot watched in disbelief as Carl's sword and armor melted away.

With a last surge of energy, Carl dragged himself out of the blood and scrabbled blindly for his sword. Instead, his hand found the discarded sword hilt of Excaliferb.

"Ferbalot..." he rasped, barely able to breathe. "The blade..."

Ferbalot nodded, and picked up the other piece of his magical sword. His hands tested the blade, and were not at all surprised to find that the edge was as blunt as a block of wood. The last of his faith in magic evaporated, Ferbalot trudged through the red mud and offered the blade to Carl, who held up a hand as if to stop him.

"No," he whispered, holding out the hilt. "The whole..greater...sum of parts..."

The young squire did not understand, but he did as he was told. He turned the sharp end to face himself, and held out the blade to the paladin. With Bufavulous supporting him, Carl leaned forward as much as he dared, so that the two pieces of the magical weapon fit together...

A clap of mystical thunder and a flash of blinding light filled the air, drowning out all else. When he finally managed to stand, Mallifishmirtz stared in disbelief. There, wreathed in the mystical aura of all the great knights of history, and wielded by the humblest of squires, was the sword Excaliferb, as powerful as the day it was forged. One of the wizard's heads cast a glance towards the place where the paladin had lain mere moments ago, but there was nothing there but a few pieces of discarded and half-melted armor. There was a collective gasp from everyone around as they realized what had happened.

Ferbalot took a step forward, and Mallifishmirtz stared in horrified amazement as the shade of Carl stood over the squire. There were other changes in Ferbalot, and they were just as amazing. His eye color was now constantly shifting between blue and green, his posture spoke of great military skill, and his face showed nothing but indomitable courage.

"Surrender," the boy commanded, and his voice rang throughout the valley. "Your tempest has been dispelled, your minions turned to stone. You have been defeated, foul sorcerer. Accept your loss and be gone, or otherwise be banished to the fiery pit from whence all evil cometh." As if in emphasis of his threat, Ferbalot raised his sword high above his head. The ten thousand monsters who ringed the crater raised their heads and roared, and Mallifishmirtz screamed as his terror undid the transformation.

Stumbling out of the cloud of evaporated magic, Mallifishmirtz brandished his staff, still crackling with power, and shouted, "I will never surrender!" Then he fell to his knees, and did not raise his head until Ferbalot held the blade under his chin.

"How can this be?" Mallifishmirtz demanded.

"The sword and the swordsman are one, conjuror. The paladin gave of his last to restore Excaliferb to its former glory, and so became eternally bound to it. Look into my eyes. Do you really think you will survive if you do not surrender?"

Mallifishmirtz was about to laugh scornfully, but then he locked eyes with the warrior. He saw no mercy, no weakness, no compassion in those eyes. All he could see was hatred and bloodlust.

"I give up." As soon as the knight backed away from him, Mallifishmirtz bowed his head and sobbed.

"I will spare your life." Ferbalot turned to go, but the paladin's ghost compelled him to do one last thing. He turned to face the wizard, and told him, "Just don't expect the same treatment from them."

Ferbalot sheathed his sword and joined his friends, who all piled onto their loyal dragonpus. As soon as the conquering heroes were gone, the ten thousand monsters drew in.

~

"And so perished the evil wizard Mallifishmirtz. And for many years after, peace reigned in the kingdom. And even today, with the story of Ferbalot and his friends no more than a half-remembered legend, it is said that the spirit of the swordsman still watches over his kingdom. How was that, sir?"

Major Monogram smiled and patted his loyal intern on the back. "You know what? I think you're right, Carl. That story was much better with that one extra character."

"Glad you liked it, sir." Carl snapped the book shut and put it on his desk.

"Now get back to work. I have to give the agents their missions in an hour, and we want to make sure this place is in tip-top shape."

"Of course, sir." His time to be honoured and respected now gone, Carl trudged off to clean up headquarters and set up the grey triangle background for Monogram's video briefing.

While the intern busied himself in polishing and dusting the complicated computer controls, Major Monogram sat down in his chair and relaxed. His gaze wandered back to the book, and he opened it up to the first page.

"Devote your mind to this tale of the distant past, and the adventures that did befall the most noble of knights..."


End file.
